It's the new year, a time for committing to bettering yourself. What better area of life to commit to focusing on than your love life?!

Whether you're single or partnered, we can all focus on that fundamentally important contributor to health, happiness and well-being - your sexuality!

So I'd like to suggest you commit to a Year of Great Sex! Let's call it your 'Great Sex' Project.

The Great Sex Project for Couples
In other places I’ve written about Consensual Non-Monotony. It's a play on words as I've also written about Consensual Non-Monogamy. The latter term describes how to have a successful non-monogamous relationship, but since most people choose to be monogamous, the trick is to overcome the biggest problem with long-term monogamous relationships – monotony - hence the term Consensual Non-Monotony. The important point here is that it's got to be consensual, that is, you both have to agree to be non-monotonous and you both have to commit to doing whatever it takes to have an on-going, great sex life. Make it a project! Why not? You have renovation projects together, holiday projects together, get healthier projects together, so why not a better sex project?

If you don't, there probably won't be much improvement, in fact, the monotony could continue on and on and on and on and on... How many more years till you die...?

There are three stages to this project:

1) Know what you want
2) Communicate what you want
3) Make it happen

The first stage is all about understanding your eroticism - what you like and what you don't like, where and how and when and how often you like it. This is really important.

The second stage is even more important - you have to be able to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about sex. This isn't easy, particularly for many women, who tend to be great at communicating in all other areas of life except this one! However, I've noticed in my work with couples that one of the benefits of therapy is that people get used to talking about sex with each other. Once they get to that point, the miracles start happening.

The third stage is obvious, but not necessarily easy. There's no point just talking about it, you have to make it happen. This will involve ditching myths and making lifestyle changes. I’ve talked about these things elsewhere at length.

And then the cycle repeats, because what you want and how you feel is constantly changing. You need to constantly reevaluate, communicate and change. Forever. It’s an ongoing, ever-changing, ever-evolving process.


The Great Sex Project for Singles: 
What goes for couples goes the same for singles too. You make the commitment to better sex, and then go through the same stages:

1) Get clear about what you like.
2) Be open about communicating this with you new love interests.
3) Make the necessary changes you need to be able to do this.

I’ll admit that this is easier said than done for many people, but like everything else, practice makes perfect. So start small and slow, with baby steps, and gradually, as you get used to this way of relating to each other, you can take ever-more-daring steps until one day you’re flying!

And of course, I'd love to help you along the way with all my offerings!

Free stuff- my blog articles, podcasts, YouTube videos, sharing all sorts of interesting material on Instagram and  Facebook,
Books - Seven Sex Goddesses, Sex Secrets for Busy People and Great Sex After Kids;
Online courses for those who want do develop Sexual Mastery for Men & Sexual Empowerment for Women;
Couples Retreats in the Blue Mountains and Bali;
Women's Retreats in the Blue Mountains; and
Private sex and relationship therapy sessions at The LoveLife Clinic.

So what are you waiting for - get started on Project Great Sex now!

Given how busy and distracted we all are, it's the 'getting to sex' stage that's the most challenging for modern couples. I call this stage of sex 'Beforeplay'. It's the transition phase necessary to remove you from the stresses of the day, and get the two of you connecting, maintaining the 'mmm' factor and building up some of that erotic frission...

• Lounge around the house in sexy and sensual lounging-round-the-house gear that’s both comfortable and sexy.
• Take the dog for a walk together in the evening – maybe knickerless...
• Sit on the back veranda together after dinner drinking wine and looking out at the stars (above dress code applies).
• Read good quality erotica – aloud to each other. Or any book for that matter, reading aloud is quite sexy!
• Cook, eat, and clean up dinner naked, or wearing just a robe and nothing else underneath.
• Hang out in your bedroom together having a cup of tea or coffee and a chat.
• Play backgammon or do a jigsaw puzzle together.
• Sit either end of the couch and give yourselves foot massages.
• Have a bath and have your partner come in and give you a foot massage, or just sit on the bath and chat.
• Take dessert up to the bedroom and finish it there. Who says you need plates?
• Throw away the TV (ok, maybe that’s a bit extreme, but I guarantee you that TV is the biggest anti-sex device ever created).

eforeplay is not the most out there phase of sex, but it is the most important. Most people need time to transition into sex - men as much as women.

So, with these ideas in mind, what gets you warmed up and ready for some lovin’?

Get this phase right and you’ll set yourselves up for sex that is as hot, sensual, tender, wild, loving, kinky, adventurous and deep as it can possibly be!



As the famous quote from John Cleese in “the Meaning of Life” goes: “You don’t just go barrelling on down to the clitoris! What’s wrong with a kiss?”

Too many people wrongly think that the clitoris is some kind of magical on/off button for women’s arousal. Too mainly people wrongly believe that if you start playing with her clitoris then she’ll be ready for “the main event” (i.e, intercourse).

But genital stimulation is not foreplay.

Personally, I refer to any kind of genital interaction as “sex”: oral sex, manual sex, intercourse.

Foreplay is what you do before you get genital...

In the case of most women, foreplay is what’s required to get her aroused enough to want genital play. That’s right, you don’t touch the genitals to arouse a woman, she already has to be aroused to want to have her genitals touched.

It’s the same for many men, not all men appreciate a grope of the penis as the preliminary for sex. The vast majority of men I speak to - and I speak to many, many, many men - like foreplay (by my definition) as much, if not more, than women.

So foreplay is the kissing and the touching and the stroking and dancing and the story telling and the teasing and whatever else it is that you like, that gets you connecting and desiring each other at a deep, and sexy, level. Without this phase, unless you’re very horny, you’re not going to have particularly satisfying sex.

But it’s not just about what you do in the bedroom – desire and connection and intimacy and arousal all start way before you get to the bedroom. I call it “Beforeplay”. It’s about keeping the “mmm” factor alive so that you do want and desire each other. It’s the small things, such as the way you look at each other; the feeling behind a kiss, even a peck; the genuine complements and tokens of appreciation; continuing with gestures of physical affection; maintaining positive interactions; being genuinely interested in your partner and what they have to say; feeling open and safe enough to be honest with each other and never taking the other for granted.

Satisfying, bonding sex means effectively living life as foreplay.

It’s about never becoming complacent.

It’s about treating your partner as your lover all the time.

Sexual pleasure involves so much more than just what your genitals are doing.

Engaging the senses is a crucial element to heightening sexual pleasure.

Just as the experience is more enjoyable and satisfying the more you engage the senses and make it a whole experience when you eat - think grabbing a bite to eat on the run as opposed to a sit down meal - so it is with sex.

Our whole obsession with ‘food porn’ is so much more than just eating. There’s the ‘plating up’ so that the food is beautifully presented, there is the texture and visual beauty of the tableware, the cutlery. Flowers and candles present more visual beauty and olfactory delights. The right music adds auditory ambience. All these elements combine to create a heightened experience of the eating, much more so than if you scoffed the same food on the run.

Within the food itself, ideally there are wonderful contrasts of texture, tastes, smells.

With sex it’s the same. You change the experience by changing the sensory elements.

Music that is serene versus music that is uplifting, trance dance music is different to elegant classical, silence, the lack of sound has it’s own effect. You can get further creatively with other sounds, crystal bowls, chimes and drums.

Scents that are sweet have a different effect to those that are citrusy, which are different again to warming scents. Flowers, candles, incense, scent sticks, perfume and oils on your bodies, not to mention the scents that your own bodies release during love-making.

Including food and drink into your love play adds the element of taste. Blindfold your partner and offer them different delicacies. Or if you want to be a little wicked, mix in contrasting flavours - such as, pickles then chocolate. Blindfold each other and attempt to feed each other chocolate mousse. Bite into a liqueur chocolate and kiss your partner deeply. Pour liqueur over your lover’s body and lick it off. Fill their belly button with vodka and drink it. Don’t just limit yourself to the obvious, your larder has a lot more to offer than chocolate body paint or chemical-filled edible lubricants.

Playing with texture offers endless possibilities. Go and collect six items each from around the house and see how they feel. Try running the edge of a card or the tines of a fork along your skin. Run silk, velvet, fur over your body.

Sight can be the overpowering sense, so try removing that sense, either with a blindfold or simply closing your eyes, and feeling more with your other senses.

Or use the visual to heighten your pleasure. Ensure the environment in which you make love is beautiful. The colours that surround you, the lighting of the space, the use of mirrors, art that is evocative, even erotic - these all influence the quality of the experience.

This is a creative endeavour, heightening the senses requires the best use of your brain and it’s creative abilities. Engage the creative, aesthetic part of your brain, and you’ll engage the senses for heightened pleasure at all levels of sexual engagement.

Sex is one of the great forms of human self-expression. It's a place where creativity, physical movement, pleasure and joy can manifest, just like the other forms of human expression - music, art, design, dance, cooking, sport, writing.


But people don’t often see sex as self-expression. More often sex has so much attached to it that there is more suppression around it than expression.

Hindered by all the myths around sex in our society, caught up in our heads about what we should or shouldn’t be doing, about what’s right or wrong, confusion about expectations and obligations, sex often is more fraught with fearing than open to freeing.

Think about your own sex life: is there more expression or suppression? Would you describe it more as fearful or freeing? If it’s further down the negative end, what can you do to start shifting it to the positive?

• Is it shifts in your head? Do you need to change your way of thinking?

• Is it shifts in your heart? Do you need to change your way of relating?

• Is it shifts in your gut? Do you need to change your way of doing?

Do you have a vision of what a wonderful sex life would be like? Is this vision true to you and your values and your desires, or is it another ‘should’, based on what you think it should be rather than what is right for you?

Sex can, and should (yes, ‘should’, one of the rare occasions when it’s OK to say ‘should’) be a wonderful thing - for you. It can be simple and infrequent if that’s right for you (in fact you don’t have to have sex at all) or it can be your life’s work and passion (then you’d be a sex geek like me). The important thing is that it is life-enhancing, and that by engaging in sex you feel better for it, preferably at many different levels - physically, emotionally, spiritually.

Express yourself!



If you need help moving from suppression to expression, book in for sex therapy at The LoveLife Clinic.

I like to divide sexual encounters in a long-term relationship into three types:

Simple Sex – short and comforting
Sensual Sex - luscious and bonding
Spicy Sex – exciting and adventurous

Simple Sex, also known as Cup of Tea Sex, is that nice snuggle under the covers, nothing unexpected, nothing wild. You know each other, you know what works, you have a satisfying time. No great fireworks, but it’s good. Like a cup of tea: simple, warm and comforting.

But a sexual diet of just Simple Sex is pretty dull. And if there’s not a good connection, it will feel empty.

Sensual Sex is when you take the time to create a gorgeous atmosphere and take the time to enjoys each other’s bodies in a sensual and loving manner. In this way the sex becomes very connecting, very bonding, very deep. This is the essence of Tantric sex, and with practice can lead to ecstatic states of being.

Which is wonderful and wholesome, but can do with some spicing up at times.

Spicy Sex is when you push your boundaries and do things that you find a real turn on (if a little intimidating!). What that is will depend on you and your own desires.

Spicy Sex could be as simple as introducing a sex toy to your sexual play, or starting with a slow striptease. It could be planning a weekend away and then visiting the vineyards knowing you or your partner has no knickers on. It could be visiting a sex store and bringing home something new and unusual (“Now just how does this bondage tape stuff work?”) It could be visiting a Swinger’s Lounge. It could be having a nude dinner party, either the two of you alone or inviting some of your better friends… The possibilities are endless. But keep in mind that Spicy Sex doesn’t just happen; it requires your creativity and your intention.

Now, given the reality of modern lives, it’s unlikely that every sexual encounter is going to be Spicy Sex. Apart from the time involved, it would be like eating gourmet food all the time, which can get a little wearying. Depending on your circumstances, Spicy Sex could be an annual weekend away, or it could be a monthly “challenge” where you take it in turns to create a “Spicy Saturday In”.

However, if you think Spicy Sex is the great aim, you’ll have trouble getting there without the Sensual Sex. Because as I’ve so often written about before, I believe that for a couple to be open enough with each other that they can be real about their desires, they have to be truly open to each other, and you need sensual connection for that. I encourage couples to set aside some 'us time' once a week to have a more extended intimate encounter. Start with a bath; light candles; play music that moves your soul; spend time touching each other; hold each others’ gaze as you move slowly together in intercourse. Experience the ecstatic sensations of the valleys of sex, rather than just the intense peaks. Feel the deliciousness of it all. Experiment with blindfolds or restraint to heighten the sensory arousal, add sensory elements of taste, sound, touch and smell.

Really lose yourselves in the experience.

So, maybe you could aim for Spicy Sex once a month, Sensual Sex once a week and Simple Sex once or twice a week. I can’t be prescriptive though. So let’s say plenty of nice Simple Sex, regular Sensual Sex, all interspersed with some Spicy Sex now and again.

Having said that, the three categories don’t have to be mutually exclusive. A late night quickie under the covers is Simple Sex, but it can also feel very sensual if for example you light a candle by the bed and look deeply into your partner’s eyes as you make love. Or a quickie in the bathroom while your kids are having their porridge can certainly have elements of Spice (a la naughty teenagers trying not be caught). Ideally a Sensual Sex session will be highly erotic and you can swing between the intensities of the peaks of sex and the exquisiteness of the valleys.

It’s all good! So allow for all types of sex in your life, from the simple to the spicy (whatever that is for you) and you’ll keep your sexual connection strong and your life so much more satisfying.

When you think about desiring your partner, or a potential partner, what are the things that make you go “Mmmmm”? As in “Mmmmm, that's nice!” And what are the things that make you go “Nnngh”, as in “Nnngh - that's not so nice”?

In other words, what are your turn ons and turn offs when it comes to sex and desire?

What enhances your desire and what detracts from it?

Whatever these enhancers and detractors are, is unique to you, so you need to identify them for yourself.

Then you need to share them with your partner. Chances are they might be quite different to your partner’s so you can’t assume that they will automatically know. Similarly, you can’t assume that your partner has the same enhancers and detractors as you, or that they should be the same as you or that there’s anything wrong them (or you) if they’re not.

I remember a young couple where she admitted to him that she found him walking naked around the house to be a detractor for her. He was surprised as he’d thought it was a sexy thing for him to do. When she explained that it was too much nakedness, that she responded more to the element of the slow reveal, he could understand and adapt his behaviour. After all, he wanted her arousal not her revulsion.

And take the example of this working couple: She liked lots of noise in the evening, with TV and radio and music going. The sound was an enhancer for her but was a detractor for him. The noise overwhelmed him, and while he could “cope” with it, it sapped him so much that by the time bedtime came he had no zest left for lovemaking. Neither of them had realized that link, so she has toned things down a bit to switch the evening atmosphere from one that’s a detractor to one that’s an enhancer. They’ve also experimented with headphones for her and silence for him.

Personally speaking, one thing that turns me off sexually is seeing my partner sitting in bed reading. If he’s sitting on the bed it’s different. It’s a small thing, but it makes a huge difference in the level of my interest and desire. If he’s in the bed, I just want to get into bed and read too, if he’s on the bed I want to chat and play! You need to be aware of these little quirks in yourself, and then let your partner know.

So really pay attention to what makes you go “Mmmmm” and what makes you go “Nnngh”, no matter how small or seemingly unrelated they might be to your sex life. Then share your quirks with an open heart, with positive intent, and the two of you can accentuate the “Mmm”s and eliminate the “Nnngh”s.

Mis-matched libidos, difference in desire, high and low sex drive, etc. These are very common terms used to describe a very common issue.

But what are we really talking about here?

What is libido, what is desire?

Firstly, it’s not a ‘thing’. Libido is not something you have or don’t have.

Secondly, desire is not arousal.

Often people say that one partner has a high libido, high desire, and the other partner has low libido, low desire. But when we get talking it often turns out that they are confusing desire with arousal.

Having fast arousal is not the same as having high desire, and having slow arousal is not the same as having low desire.

Quite often I find that the supposedly ‘low libido’ partner actually has quite high desire, they want and like sex, they’re just not feeling aroused. Yet.

And often the supposedly ‘high libido’ partner doesn’t really have ‘desire’ as such, they’re just horny, they’re aroused, but it’s more like an itch that needs scratching rather than a genuine desire for being with their partner.

So, you can have high desire but slow arousal; and you can have fast arousal but little desire.

Desire is a wanting, a moving towards. This can start in the head, with a thought that it would be good, and it can start in the heart, with a feeling of wanting to share something lovely with your beloved.

Arousal is a physical experience, it’s what’s happening in your body.

Libido is the interplay of desire and arousal.

Sometimes I see someone who has zest and life, clearly a strong libido, but they claim a low desire. Actually, they have strong desire they just have slow arousal. They’re thinking that because they’re not aroused in the moment that they don’t have desire.

And I can see someone who claims high desire, but they’re flat and disconnected from their partner. Actually they have fast arousal, they’re horny, but it’s just that itch that needs scratching. There’s not a lot of actual desire.

Of course, sometimes someone can have both low desire and low arousal, which could be due to stress, tiredness or illness, or because they’re not finding their partner desirable for whatever reason.

And of course, having desire and arousal at the same time is great.

The point is don’t assume that if you don’t have arousal that you don’t have desire.

And most importantly, both desire and arousal need to be cultivated.

Every couple is going to have differences in libido at different times, if not all the time. Understanding each person’s sexuality and exploring the interplay so that you keep yourselves ‘simmering’ is what makes for a good strong sex life.

Humans love watching people have sex. The voyeuristic elements of sex have been part of human sexuality as far back as recorded history goes, and probably beyond. Erotic art is found around the world from all eras. Even in sexually repressed periods such as Victorian England there was a flourishing trade in postcards of nudes and amazing little paper contraptions that mimicked the sex act. In present times, there wouldn't be too many men around who, as a teenager, didn’t have girlie magazines stuffed under their mattress, which their girlfriends also looked at in fascination.

And now we have a proliferation of porn on the Internet. So is this good or bad?

Well, it is inevitable. We are a voyeuristic species and we’re an inventive species, so inevitably we’ll use the latest technology to increase voyeuristic opportunities. And hey, there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with watching people having sex to get turned on.

But like all other indulgent activities, whether it be eating chocolate, buying shoes, having a massage, you need to be know how much of a good thing is good and how much slips over into one of the deadly sins (gluttony, greed, sloth and of course, lust – to name four out of seven).

Just as - a small amount of chocolate makes you feel good but too much makes you feel sick and you get fat and unhealthy; purchasing a pair of fabulous shoes makes you feel happy and gorgeous, but buying too many makes you feel guilty, ruins your bank balance and makes you look like a sad Imelda Marcos wannabe; an hour of massage is relaxing and invigorating, but too much is either enervating or makes you fall asleep - so can pornography titillate and turn you on, but too much becomes an obsession and interferes with true sexual connection with your partner.

One of the problems with porn, as with so much in our ‘quick fix’ society is that it’s too easy. Just switch on the computer and there you are immersed in sexual arousal. It’s like buying a take-away meal rather than making dinner yourself. And while you could quite happily live your life eating take-away food without too many consequences (as long as it was the good stuff), it doesn’t work with sex if you’re partnered. Sex with a partner is like the home-cooked meal, it takes time, and generally the more attention you put into the making of it, the better the results.

Another problem with porn is that many people think that what they’re watching is good sex. But porn is designed to be visually stimulating, so it’s what looks good, not necessarily what feels good. You don’t see men going down on women in porn because it’s visually boring but women going down on men is visually interesting. You don’t see men ejaculating inside women because it’s visually boring, the cum shot over the face or breasts is visually interesting.

Just as importantly, people need to remember that it’s not real. The women might look like they’re enjoying themselves, but they’re actresses paid to look like that! The male actors are also selected on criteria that would make 99% of men feel inadequate size-wise, and their apparent ability to last and last is based on the skill of the film editor, not the actor himself!

You’re not going to learn to be a great lover by watching porn. It might turn you on, and it might give you some ideas, but if that’s what you’re expecting sex to be like then you’re going to be disappointed.

Good sex is not about acting; it’s not about what looks good; it’s about what feels good. Often the two do overlap, and what feels good might look like porn, but not necessarily, and not inevitably, and to get to that takes time and connection, not a quick fix.

So if you like porn, great, watch it, but remember that it’s just visual titillation, nothing more.

We’ve discussed the importance of sharing before you move into solution mode. How you do this is equally as important.

John Gottman, has also identified four negative ways of communicating, which he calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”. These might not seem as drastic as the originals from the Bible: war, pestilence, famine and plague, but these lesser horsemen can reek just as much damage on a relationship as the big ones do on a whole society.

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Aggression
• Stonewalling

If these little devils are firmly entrenched in your relationship then you haven’t got a hope of having a positive one, let alone a mature one.

How often do I hear people say: “I’m not being critical; I’m being honest!” “I’m not being aggressive; I’m just getting my point across!” “I’m only being funny; not contemptuous” “I’m not stonewalling; I'm just keeping the peace…”

Criticism is not ‘helpful’ or ‘being honest’, it is judgemental and disrespectful and makes your partner defensive and/or reduces their self-confidence.

Sarcasm is contempt; it is not humour. Contempt of any kind is hurtful. Eye rolling is infuriating and has never ever induced someone to be more open and loving.

If your partner feels you are being aggressive, you are being aggressive. It will cause them to respond with more aggression, or to submit to the aggressor’s point of view or run away from the discussion out of fear.

Stonewalling or withdrawing prevents any chance of positive movement. In some ways it’s the worst of the lot as at least with the others you’ve got something to work with. With stonewalling you have nothing to work with and everything hangs in limbo until the stonewaller decides to come to the party and share their feelings and thoughts - assuming they ever do, some couples live in stonewalled distance for years or decades, for many couples this is “normality”.

These four horsemen can appear in the smallest of ways and can become insidious in a relationship, until they appear normal. If your family of origin used these forms of communication, they’ll seem even more normal to you:

• If there was a lot of aggression in your family as a child, you might feel that a level of aggression is normal and acceptable; you might not even consider it aggressive.

• If you came from a family where sarcasm was considered witty, you’ll probably carry that forward into future relationships.

• If there was constant criticism coming from one or both of your parents, or criticism between them, you might unconsciously be harsh and critical to your partner, without even realising it.

• And if you came from a family where people deliberately withheld their feelings, then you’re likely to grow up feeling that it’s perfectly acceptable not to engage in important conversations.

Communication is such an important part of relationships that it’s vital you analyse your communication style, as an individual and as a couple, and work to improve it. Removing the four horsemen is an important part of this.

It’s absolutely vital if you want to have a good sex life, so that you can freely and safely express whatever you need to and move forward creatively and cooperatively.